I really have no words but I need to write. This has been the most devastating few months I have ever lived. Every time it seems as though there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, another cave in occurred.
My body does not tolerate medications well at all. Every anti-anxiety or anti-depressant I was prescribed had serious side effects for me. The withdrawals from Ativan were extreme. I have complete compassion for anyone trying to get off of a chemical addiction and extreme admiration for those who have gotten clean and have stayed clean. My body is worn thin from difficult circumstances and the side of effects of the drugs and withdrawals.
I have always been able to keep busy when life became difficult but now the muscle weakness is such that my arms and legs feel like jello. For those who have been in this same place and made it through, what did you do?
When I pray I hear affirmations from the Lord:
Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I think about Job, David, and Joseph who was sold into slavery by his own brothers. I try to be encouraged. How did they do it? How did they keep it together when all about them was darkness and difficulty? I relate the most to David, I think, because he majorly screwed up but God redeemed David’s life. God said that David was a man after His own heart.
“After removing Saul, he made David their king. God testified concerning him: ‘I have found David son of Jesse, a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.’” Acts 13:22
At this point in my life, I have found that I am without answers and don’t even have a whole lot of questions, just want to be whole and well. If you have walked a dark road similar to the one have been on and have made it to the light, I would love to hear how you have made that journey. I would be so encouraged by any sharing that occurs through this site.
How are we doing?
I finally made it out on Monday afternoon to take a one mile walk; that is a first in months. It felt great to be out in the sunshine and warmth and to allow my legs to generate energy that made its way to my brain which helped to clear out the mental fog. And in those moments I think, “Okay, this feels normal, I feel “normal”. I am on my way to being out of the pit and on with life.” And then it can be three seconds later, the next morning or afternoon, and the weight descends once again. “Where did the Light go?!” “What did I do wrong to be back in this dark place?”
There are so many facets to this depression thing:
-people see us as lepers, not to be touched, better ignore the situation
-there are no hard and fast answers
-why can’t we just “choose” to be happy
-body needs to move for health; absolutely no energy in the legs
-being productive is so vital to moving forward, but when the mind and body are not working it is an impossibility.
-please feel free to add to this list; what you have experienced
So I ask you, my friends, how do we keep moving forward. What do we do when we have a good moment and then are thrown back into the darkness?
What I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that those of us suffering with depression/anxiety need a community of support. Those who will walk along side us no matter how ugly it may get; they love us more than they fear the disease.
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself. ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along,’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
So what fears are you staring down? How can we help you defeat that monster?
“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.
-Martin Luther King Jr.
I am cheering for all of us to take that first step…..and then the next!
Stepping Out in Faith,
On a recent visit to my therapist she had me take a test that reveals the types and amount of stressors in my life. There were about 43 questions and depending on the answer given there was a numerical value. The chart topped out at 300; my stress level was well over 500. Yep, it is amazing that I am just not puzzle pieces exploded all over the house. God of grace in action for sure. It is a severe roller coaster ride and I have NEVER liked roller coasters!
So what am I beginning to learn. When anxiety raises its nasty head, I need to address it immediately and prevent it from escalating. Once anxiety goes into panic anxiety the body chemistry is throw all out of whack and it depletes the body and then I am two, three, four steps backwards once again. Depression/anxiety is such a slow, steep climb. Please share with me your remedies for battling anxiety/depression. Let’s open up that conversation.
I appreciate all that you have to say and share. Let’s be that community that pulls together.
Joy and Peace,