Depression: The Journey

The journey I have been on in these past weeks is one that is completely new to me and one that I do not wish upon anyone.  The most difficult times in my life previously do not come close to comparing in intensity to what I have been walking through.

Depression is a creature that no one understances until the creature takes hold of you.   I have been depressed hundreds of times in my life but being depressed is no relation to depression.  Depression moves in and wrecks havoc on the mind, body and spirit.  There is not a motivational message in the world that will turn depression on its heels and make it flee.  Depression is a deep, dark pit that one cannot crawl out of alone.

I have had times of feeling completely alone, abandoned, rejected; as if I have a disease that others were afraid of catching so they kept away from me.  I am learning just how little of the population understands depression or are comfortable walking with someone who is in depression.   My eyes have been forced open to the horrors of depression and I will forever have compassion for anyone battling this devastating beast.  I am also learning that I cannot fault others for not being able to understand and to be grateful for support that is given.

Through this dark, black time I have been blessed with support from people that I never would have thought would be the strength when I had none.  My son jumped into action and found me the most amazing therapist; he also dropped everything to come be with me while suicide seemed in my mind to be the only answer.  No child should have to watch their parent be in the state that I was in; but he chose my need over his own.  My sister has watched over me like a mother hen; ready to defend and protect me.  I had a long period of time where eating and drinking were just too much effort.  The simple thought of getting off of the couch and getting a drink of water from the kitchen faucet was just too much.  She would put water right in front of me and cook food and bring it to me.  She called my doctor, therapist, anyone she could think of to try and find help/solutions for me.   I lost weight and got very weak and I know it was very scary for her to have to watch me, but she did not give up.  I have a naturopath doctor and a massage therapist, and therapist who have been an amazing team of support for me.  Their professional knowledge has been invaluable but their continuous and unguarded support has been a blessing beyond words.  And I have had someone who I barely knew before all of this, be a daily source of comfort, support and strength.

If you are fighting the ugly monster of depression, I want you to know that you are not alone.  There are people who get it, who understand.  Feel free to share here.  I cannot promise to have answers, but I do promise to try and understand and listen.  Together, in community, is how the ugly depression monster is defeated.  No one should have to battle alone.

Kay

5 thoughts on “Depression: The Journey

  1. I wish I knew even sooner how you were struggling…praying for you, just like you’ve prayed for me through the years 😘

    I am so sorry you have to go through this…brings tears to me. Know I love you and will pray.

    Cindy

    >

  2. I have typed and deleted this response half a dozen times. How to put into words for someone unfamiliar with it- the paralyzation of the mind, the crippling guilt and worthlessness and the suffocating hopelessness, the acute pain both physical and emotional – it never seems adequate to describe the experience. Nor do any words i can say now in comfort. Know that you are loved, appreciated for who you are and have been to all of us and being thought about. Prayed for.

    1. This journey will one day bring me to a place that I never imagined. Right now it is a filthy job of shoveling through the shit. Can’t go over or around it; must go through it. I am thankful for support. Some days I feel stronger, other days the pain is so intense I feel as though my heart will explode. Trusting is the word I am working to learn and relearn. Love you.

      1. Even the “good” days have become little comfort for me because I have had so many “good” days that deteriorate and lead to really bad days. Then it takes days to get over the guilt of “losing it again”. I suppose it is the same trust issue. I have a good day and I don’t trust myself to not let it deteriorate. This leads to nervousness, panic attacks and a tendancy to pull back from everyone and everything as a defense. What i never realized till just now reading your reply is: I’m depending on me to keep it together… through my own ability and with each new failure i am back at square 1. Hmmmm….. food for thought….

  3. Please know that you are not alone. There are more of us than the world would like to acknowledge who struggle with some sort of mental health issue. In dialogue with someone who walks the same path, there is support. No one can solve our issues but with good support we have the framework for constructing our way through the “shit”.

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