Release and Receive

I made a commitment to myself to meditate each morning for one month.  I know little to nothing about meditation but am stepping into the waters and will just trust that I will learn/know how to swim.  Today is day 2 of my meditation commitment.

This past year demanded that I stretch and grow and change.  Circumstances were so extremely out of my control that life was screaming, “you have to change the way you have been doing life!”  People, videos, books were introduced to me in small and subtle ways.  This change I am on has come gradually, slowly.  It is only in hindsight that I see how I had/have been given tools, information that at first was so foreign and cumbersome for me that I figuratively put it on a shelf until the day I discovered Kyle Cease. Kyle speaks in a way and in a language that my mind is able to grasp and  all of those previous pieces that I had put on the shelf are coming together and forming a complete new thought pattern in my head and in my heart.

So back to this thing called meditation…  I do know that there is much written on meditation; information galore on “how” to meditate but my buddy, Kyle, talks about just being present and watching the thoughts as they show up and give those thoughts the time they need to simply break away.  He says to allow the thoughts to be; not to change them or force them into some other thought or form but let the thoughts express and watch to see what they do. (by the way, Kyle Cease was a stand up comedian for over 20 years and now is in the business of transformation.  He and his team do Evolving Out Loud seminars that are fabulous.  Kyle has a website and a Facebook page; easy to find and loaded with awesome content.  I do not know Kyle personally but he and his team have made a huge impact upon my life).

Today, Day 2, as I sat quietly and watched the picture show of my thoughts it was just kinda a jumbled mess.  Sat there thinking, “I have no idea what I am doing.  Dang, I committed to doing this, can’t give up already.  Okay, remember to watch the show…just let it happen.”  And in that place I thought/knew/understood/felt Release and Receive, Release and Receive, Release and Receive.  I need to release all that I think I know and understand about what I need to do in this life to get to where I think I should be, in order to receive all that has been waiting in the storehouses of heaven/the universe to pour into my life so that I can live into my calling….be who I was always meant to be.

I was born into an adult world.  My parents were 42 when I was born and my brother was 18 and my sister 13.  My grandparents were quite elderly.  My entire family had experienced a whole way of life before I hit the scene.  It was like being left out of an entire generation that I came into on the tail end.  They all had shared life experiences/memories and then there was me.

Since I can remember I treasured family pieces; furniture, dishes, pictures…stuff.  Through the meditation today I came to understand that through those things I was trying to become a part of my family history that my grandparents/parents/siblings shared but I did not.  I was trying to be a part of that past.  Time to Release.  Life is not in the past but in the living of this moment.  Stuff is just that, stuff; it is not life.

There is much that I desire to release and as I release I need to open myself to Receive.  Getting rid of what we do not need, what is not us, is great and freeing and wonderful but if we do not also learn to receive then the empty spaces left from letting go will draw us back to filling them with stuff once again.  Receive what was always intended to be mine; life to its fullest.  I do not know “how” but I will continue to meditate/pray/trust and walk as each step is presented to me.



I am changing the direction of this blog.  It has been a year of extreme change in my life; difficult, life wrenching painful change that demanded my willingness to see and learn things outside of what I had previously been willing to receive.

My God is bigger now…limitless.  I have learned so many things that my previous devout Christian self would have labeled as heretical but I am learning is not against the Author of all but expanding into all that is the Creator.  So with that said I am giving you permission here and now to stop following my blog if this new direction makes you uncomfortable and I promise to not have my feelings hurt.  We are all in different places at different times.

A new day has dawned.  I have opened a door that was outside of my old vision and I feel a deep down call to share that journey of discovery.  Bottom line is that it is ALL about love.  Do’s and Don’ts are out the door.  Life should be directed through love not a list of what to do and not to do.  Love above all else



We are energy.  All that exists is energy.  Everything, everybody has a frequency.  It is why there are sounds that please us and sounds that disturb us; it has to do with the frequency.  Several months back I experienced a process where tuning forks of varying sizes where activated and placed on multiple points on my body.  It was wild; the effect of these tuning forks, frequencies.  There was a feeling, an awareness of coming into balance; of all irritation being stilled.  If someone had told me about this process and what it does, I would have laughed internally and changed the subject, but “the proof is in the pudding.”

Positive thoughts and emotions emit a certain frequency.  Negative thoughts and emotions emit a different frequency from positive.  We emit “vibes.”  Negative is attracted to negative, positive to positive.

It is super, ridiculously cold here.  I leave the house way before the sun rises for work each weekday morning.  On Monday of this week, I got into my freezing cold car and started up the engine.  My little car whined but started; poor thing was freezing cold after all.  I had a hood pulled over my head to keep as much of my body heat from escaping as possible.  With my hood up my peripheral vision was compromised  and I got the driver’s side of my car much too close to the garage door frame.  A terrible sound came next.  Got out of my car and there on the ground laid the cover for over my wheel well.  I was not a happy camper at that moment.  Picked up the fender and put it inside the garage.  Got back in my car thinking, “Great, this is going to be a fabulous day!”, said with total negativity.  Then I stopped myself and decided to stop that negative thought and replace it with gratitude.  I began listing all that I am grateful for and the turmoil (frequency) that was brewing inside of me stopped/changed and I came to a place of peace.  The rest of my day I was peaceful and nothing else bad/negative happened.  What if I had not chosen to stop my negative thoughts after the car incident?  Want to take a guess at what my day may have looked like then?  I would imagine that negative would have attracted more negative and it would not have been a particularly pleasant day.

We have a brand new year just a day away.  How about taking gratitude into 2018?  How about 2018 being a year of gratitude?  Wake each morning with the words, “Thank you”.  As you get ready for each day, think or say out loud, those things/people/events for which you are grateful.  I promise you that gratitude will create in each of us a frequency that emits peace and wholeness and attracts all that is positive into our lives.

2017 was the absolute worst year of my life but it has led me to 2018 which is to be the best year of my life.  Want to join me in gratitude?AF2F4974-AE5A-4FD4-B034-3A0623974FEA


I really have no words but I need to write.  This has been the most devastating few months I have ever lived.  Every time it seems as though there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, another cave in occurred.

My body does not tolerate medications well at all.  Every anti-anxiety or anti-depressant I was prescribed had serious side effects for me.  The withdrawals from Ativan were extreme.  I have complete compassion for anyone trying to get off of a chemical addiction and extreme admiration for those who have gotten clean and have stayed clean.  My body is worn thin from difficult circumstances and the side of effects of the drugs and withdrawals.

I have always been able to keep busy when life became difficult but now the muscle weakness is such that my arms and legs feel like jello.  For those who have been in this same place and made it through, what did you do?

When I pray I hear affirmations from the Lord:

Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I think about Job, David,  and Joseph who was sold into slavery by his own brothers.  I try to be encouraged.  How did they do it?  How did they keep it together when all about them was darkness and difficulty?  I relate the most to David, I think, because he majorly screwed up but God redeemed David’s life.  God said that David was a man after His own heart.

“After removing Saul, he made David their king. God testified concerning him: ‘I have found David son of Jesse, a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.’”  Acts 13:22

At this point in my life, I have found that I am without answers and don’t even have a whole lot of questions, just want to be whole and well.  If you have walked a dark road similar to the one have been on and have made it to the light, I would love to hear how you have made that journey.  I would be so encouraged by any sharing that occurs through this site.



Now What?

Destating trauma – check
In shock – check
Depression – check
Dark pit of despair – check
Grasping hold for life – check
Climbing out of the mind fog – check
Amazing therapist – check
Devoted family – check
Unexpected support – check
Extreme effort to claw out of the pit –  check
Increased good moments over bad – check


When there is no way that life can ever be what it was before, how does one rebuild?  This “event” in my life has shown such an intense light in all of my life that there are no shadows for anything to hide within.  I now know truths about things that I had no idea were falsehoods.  It makes me want to run from everything and start all over again; somewhere new and fresh.  My entire life imploded and now that I am digging out of the rubble, I am not sure what to do.

I have been reading a lot from Brene’ Brown and watching her YouTube videos; she is amazing.  She is a researcher who has spent years studying shame and vulernabitily and through her research has found much wisdom.  If you do not know of her work, I highly suggest you check her out ASAP.  Bottom line, she concludes that all that is positive begins with loving our selves.  Not an easy concept for most of us.

So in this intense need to rebuild, find meaning, start fresh, RUN, I am trying to turn my attention to the task of learning to love myself; to be kind to me; to give myself the chance to breathe.  I am trying.  It is not easy.

Where are you in your journey?


Mid-Week Check UP

How are we doing?

I finally made it out on Monday afternoon to take a one mile walk; that is a first in months.  It felt great to be out in the sunshine and warmth and to allow my legs to generate energy that made its way to my brain which helped to clear out the mental fog.  And in those moments I think,  “Okay, this feels normal, I feel “normal”.  I am on my way to being out of the pit and on with life.”  And then it can be three seconds later, the next morning or afternoon, and the weight descends once again.  “Where did the Light go?!”  “What did I do wrong to be back in this dark place?”

There are so many facets to this depression thing:
-people see us as lepers, not to be touched,  better ignore the situation
-there are no hard and fast answers
-why can’t we just “choose” to be happy
-body needs to move for health; absolutely no energy in the legs
-being productive is so vital to moving forward, but when the mind and body are not working it is an impossibility.
-please feel free to add to this list; what you have experienced

So I ask you, my friends, how do we keep moving forward.  What do we do when we have a good moment and then are thrown back into the darkness?

What I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that those of us suffering with depression/anxiety need a community of support.  Those who will walk along side us no matter how ugly it may get; they love us more than  they fear the disease.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself. ‘I lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along,’  You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt

So what fears are you staring down?  How can we help you defeat that monster?

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.
-Martin Luther King Jr.

I am cheering for all of us to take that first step…..and then the next!

Stepping Out in Faith,

The Journey Continues

On a recent visit to my therapist she had me take a test that reveals the types and amount of stressors in my life.  There were about 43 questions and depending on the answer given there was a numerical value.  The chart topped out at 300; my stress level was well over 500.  Yep, it is amazing that I am just not puzzle pieces exploded all over the house.  God of grace in action for sure.  It is a severe roller coaster ride and I have NEVER liked roller coasters!

So what am I beginning to learn.  When anxiety raises its nasty head, I need to address it immediately and prevent it from escalating.  Once anxiety goes into panic anxiety the body chemistry is throw all out of whack and it depletes the body and then I am two, three, four steps backwards once again.  Depression/anxiety is such a slow, steep climb.  Please share with me your remedies for battling anxiety/depression.   Let’s open up that conversation.

I appreciate all that you have to say and share.  Let’s be that community that pulls together.

Joy and Peace,